My Small Successes XXVIII

I have had a week of finishing lots of little things, so these really are my Small Successes.

1. Kansas Dad and I had a pre-baby date. Grammy watched the kids for a whole afternoon while we ran errands and went out for a lovely dinner without any kids at all. Since I don't like to leave a nursing baby, it'll be a long time before we have an adults-only outing again. (Other than laboring at the hospital, but I'm not sure that counts in quite the same way.) We looked at cribs and did end up ordering one, too. It may not be necessary, but it will ease my mind a little. We also picked up a few things I needed to finish up the last two big Montessori activities I wanted to make...Maybe I'll get to that before baby arrives.

2. Yesterday, Kansas Dad dug out the baby swing and I washed the cover yesterday. Hooray! The girls have been playing with it almost constantly. Hopefully they'll get it out of their system before we want to use it for baby.

3. We pulled out the pool and let the kids play! Twice! And I have a picture to prove it! (Kansas Dad found it, blew it up, and filled it, both times. I sat on the porch and watched, from the shade.)

I love the girls' swimsuits! They're two pieces so First Daughter can use the restroom by herself (unlike the one-piece we have) and the shirts are so bright they were incredibly easy to find in the crowd at the zoo.

4. I also put all those pictures from last week in albums, including an extra two pictures I decided to add to Second Daughter's baby book.

5. And (last one, I promise) my doctor is back from his vacation this morning. He's also on call this weekend, so there is now a very good chance he's actually going to be around to deliver the baby. I would have preferred to already be delivered, but we must look at the bright side, right? Baby and I are 40 weeks tomorrow, so the end really is coming (or rather, the beginning).

Head over to Faith and Family to read more Small Successes!

Maybe Ranting a Little Will Make Me Feel Better (Fair Warning)

Remember this quote?

No one is more susceptible to an expert's fear mongering than a parent. Fear is in fact a major component of the act of parenting. A parent, after all, is the steward of another creature's life, a creature who in the beginning is more helpless than the newborn of nearly any other species. This leads a lot of parents to spend a lot of their parenting energy simply being scared.

The problem is that they are often scared of the wrong things. It's not their fault, really. Separating fact from rumors is always hard work, especially for a busy parent.

I've been thinking about it a lot last night and this morning as I contemplate our recalled crib. There's no repair kit; the current owner of the brand is offering a rebate toward a new crib, which sounds great until you see how very tiny the rebate is. So here I sit, eight months pregnant (and arguably not thinking very clearly about the safety of my children), wondering what to do with a crib that is in all likelihood perfectly safe but has been recalled. Not to mention the borrowed crib in our room that is probably more than ten years old and therefore, according to the CPSC, should be destroyed. They don't even issue recalls for cribs over ten years because apparently we shouldn't be using them at all. 

Perhaps there should be a government bail-out for parents who have invested in a crib and now are being pressured to go buy a newer, "safer" crib because our kids may die any time we lay them down and leave the room. I suppose if we had an extra $300 lying around we'd just order a new crib, but I have to believe we're not the only ones who foolishly thought we could use one of the two cribs we already have.

Three hours to nap time...

Childhood in America

Childhood Lost: How American Culture Is Failing Our Kids edited by Sharna Olfman

I had marked a number of passages and planned a long post including a bit on each chapter, but then I set it aside for a few weeks after reading it and now I'm having trouble putting it all together. (It doesn't help that Second Daughter attacked my post-it notes.) I apologize in advance for the rambling of this post.

I think it's safe to say I disagree with the politics of each and every one of the contributors. It seemed every chapter first blamed Republicans and then demanded more laws to address the chapter's issue. I think each chapter had its important insights into a part of American culture that damages our children, but when I think of politics (which I try to do rarely unless I'm actually making a voting decision), I tend to believe all politicians led us into this mess, regardless of party. I'm also inclined to think laws are not the answer. As a result, I felt frustrated throughout the book.

That aside, this book is a great introduction to many challenges facing parents, children and families today. The authors point out repeated attempts by the popular press to diminish or hide the results of current research that show our culture damages children and their ability to grow into thoughtful, loving adults prepared to contribute to society. I've read enough on these sorts of topics to already have a grasp of the overall themes, but the statistics continue to shock me.

I wanted to write about every chapter in this book. I find, as I flip through it again, that each one could be a post in itself and to briefly summarize or quote them might lead to misunderstanding, getting stuck on a small point rather than seeing the overall danger. For example, the first chapter, "The Natural History of Childhood," addresses parenting styles with infants, touching on some experts who recommend letting children cry, the debate on co-sleeping, attachment parenting, and a whole host of other "hot topics" in parenting. These are areas for great debate and no one should feel pressured to follow one parenting style to the exclusion of all others. I am not confident that my strategy is perfect every time, but life as a family is about balancing each person's needs. What I believe Meredith Small was addressing in the chapter is the preponderance of parenting advice in this country that tells parents they can still be selfish, and that it is in fact good for the children if we are.

Dr. Small attempts to describe the parenting styles of other less-modern cultures in an attempt to convince us that because it's always been done that way and we in the West are in the minority, we must be wrong. I'm not swayed entirely by her arguments, but I do think parents in the West are often told what we want to hear. "It's good to let your babies cry." "You have to let them learn to entertain themselves." These are good sentiments, in balance with many hugs and interactions with adults and siblings, but when they become the backbone of a parenting style for infants, something has gone awry.

That's just a taste of the first chapter. Ensuing contributions include: Why Parenting Matters; The War against Parents; The Impact of Media Violence on Developing Minds and Hearts; The Commercialization of Childhood; Big Food, Big Money, Big Children; So Se*y, So Soon: The Se*ualization of Childhood; Techno-Environmental Assaults on Childhood in America; "No Child Left": What Are Schools for in a Democratic Society? and Where Do the Children Play?.

I won't subject you to long comments from all the chapters, but there are a few quotes I wanted to share.

The problem here is that there are real conflicts between adult rights to freedom of choice and a child's well-being. -- Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West in "The War against Parents"

The moment we become parents, the moment we partake in actions that could end in parenthood, we relinquish some of our freedom.

At the heart of the matter is time, huge amounts of it, freely given. Whatever the child-raising technique, a child simply does better with loving, committed, long-term attention from both mom and dad. -- Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West in "The War against Parents"

Apparently, research has shown "quality time" does not compensate for quantity.

[C]hildren are, by far, the most vulnerable to environmental hazards. Pound for pound, children eat more food, drink more water, and breathe more air than adults do. Because they are smaller and closer to the ground, because they play outdoors more and don't practice the same level of hygiene as adults, their exposure to all environmental pollutants is greater than that of adults. In addition, their bodies are still works in progress, incomplete and more susceptible to developmental disruptions. -- Varda Burstyn and Gary Sampson in "Techno-Environmental Assaults on Childhood in America"

I don't know why I keep reading about all the toxins in the world. I'm coming to believe I cannot protect my children from them, even here in the country raising our own food (because pesticides are used by the farms around us, because there are chemical plants within a hundred miles, because we can't afford to buy organic produce at the supermarket and then toss the peels in our compost pile). That frightens me. We do the best we can, which we know isn't enough, and then just pray.

Upon rereading several classic children's novels to my own children recently, I was struck by a common feature among them. The children who populate Little Women, Secret Garden, All of a Kind Family, The Railway Children, and National Velvet, to name a few, play make-believe games well into mid-adolescence. -- Sharna Olfman in "Where Do the Children Play?" (emphasis by the author)

This book is not an easy read. It is written by educational and psychological professionals and has many references to statistics and studies, but it is written primarily for parents, teachers and politicians. Within the chapters are often lists or bullet points of very specific tactics parents can take to benefit their families. I do not agree with everything in this book, but I think it can help us recognize some of the threats to the well-being of our children. I highly recommend it to all parents and teachers. (Given its price tag, I suggest checking it out from your local library.)

Facing Fears

Answer: Two weeks and one day.

Question: How long can we expect between installation of the new carpet and the first instance of sickness on it?

And we've been living on the carpet for less than two weeks.


Today, I faced two great mothering fears. First Daughter got sick and I cleaned her and it (mostly) up by myself. (I even caught some of it which seemed impossibly disgusting before but today I didn't even think about it until after the fact.)

Then, in preparing First Daughter's bath, I discovered a ginormous spider in the tub. I killed and disposed of it all by myself.

I won't say I've conquered the fears, and I certainly wasn't a pretty sight this afternoon. I think I was crying as much as First Daughter, and Second Daughter was blasting away from her swing while I was attending to other matters (which probably contributed to my tears as well). Now that I think about it again, that spider still gives me the shivers.

I'm struck, though, by what I can do when I focus on my children and their needs rather than myself. I did not want to face that spider. I seriously considered leaving it in the tub until Kansas Dad could come home and finish it off, but my little girl was standing there, spattered with sickness and crying even more because that spider was crawling on her rubber ducky and I just knew I had to take care of her (and therefore, it). So, death by flyswatter, a quick rinse of the tub, and First Daughter had her bath.

I Will Not Mention the Presidential Election Again, Promise

HT: Creative Minority Report

HT: Mommy Brain and Far Beyond Pearls

Eugenics Today

Defiant Birth: Women Who Resist Medical Eugenics by Melinda Tankard Reist

This was a shocking read about the pressures women feel to conform to society's standards when testing unborn children for "abnormalities" and then "taking care of the problem" before their baby is born. The introduction is full of statistics, surveys and reports. Following are a number of personal accounts written by the women themselves about their experiences while pregnant and with their children.

You probably are not surprised to learn that I am disturbed by the trend in modern medicine to test for all sorts of diseases before a baby is born for which we have no cures and sometimes no treatments at all. I suppose in some cases it's nice to be prepared, but Kansas Dad and I have always found it better to err on the side of ignorance. If the only "solution" I'm offered is an abortion, there's no use knowing. In the meantime, I can enjoy my pregnancy and relish the time we have together with baby safely nestled under my heart (as Kristin Lavransdatter always said).

This book brings to the fore some interesting discussions of the effect on society of avoiding the births of people with disabilities. The author maintains our society will suffer a decrease in compassion as a whole. Certainly it's disturbing to see the similarities with the eugenics movements (and eventual actions) in Nazi Germany. Today, it's more insidious because it's happening behind the closed doors of doctors' offices and hospitals. Even the March of Dimes supports prenatal screening as a method to decrease the rates of disabilities and premature births - not by treating a condition, but by encouraging mothers to seek an abortion.

It's also an enlightening look at the supports (or lack thereof) offered to mothers and families who choose to continue a pregnancy with a disabled child. There were some disturbing anecdotes about services being withheld (not just non-existent) because the family did not choose to end a pregnancy.

There's so much I'd like to comment on in this book, but it seems to be overwhelming me right now. Instead, I'll just encourage you to read it -- or at least just read the introduction.

The Importance of Play

I was supposed to fly home today, but am stuck in New York another night as American tries to fix all their planes. The only bright spot is that I got a little extra time to read and finished this great book.

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn--and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less by Kathy Hirsch-Pasek, Ph.D., and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Ph.D., with Diane Eyer, Ph.D.


I loved this book! It provides evidence (from real studies!) that the academic focus of preschools (and some parents) does not provide any academic benefit for kids (and may even cause some problems later on). Evidence like this is essential for maintaining our priorities in early education as the push for skills at earlier ages and testing for those skills reaches into the preschools and kindergartens. My own state is considering lowering the age of required attendance (currently 7) and providing full-day kindergarten. I think providing preschool and full-day kindergarten could be of great benefit, if the curriculum and activities follow the model of this book. It's a legitimate fear, though, that "teaching to the test" could reach even to these early grades. This book identifies ways that playing provides a better foundation for the tests, skill development and later learning than any worksheets or drills ever could.

Especially applicable for me is the authors' mantra for parents: "Reflect, Resist, and Re-Center." We don't participate in a lot of classes and activities, mainly because it's an expense we can't afford right now. It's still a struggle, though, to remember the activities we do together (like reading every day) are providing the very experiences our children need to succeed so we don't have to feel guilty or even disappointed we can't participate in the myriad of classes available, even for four year old children.

I have been grappling with finding a preschool curriculum to follow next year. The more books like this I find, though, the more inclined I am to just make one up, combining good books, nature walks, playing with blocks and involving the kids in everyday tasks like measuring and pouring. I'm beginning to realize my search for a "curriculum" is more a search for a structure for me, a plan so I don't have to worry if I'm hitting all the right targets...but perhaps I should leave that for another post.

I'm encouraging Kansas Dad to read through the book and have high hopes he will because of the "Discovering Hidden Skills" sections. Here he can find all the little experiments he always wanted to do on our kids, like Piaget, but with greater assurance of avoiding any harm. Personally, I liked the end of each chapter, "Bringing the Lessons Home." I think you could get a good grasp of the material covered in the book with just those few pages for each chapter, though I do recommend reading it in its entirety.

Just read after your kids are in bed so you can play Pirates and Castles or help build a city before dinner.

Why We Don't Use Names

I've had a few friends ask through the comments what fears we had that led to our switch to this blog with no names. I decided to answer with a whole post because I do think it's an important discussion, though I'm not sure there's a substantial threat.

I had three main reasons for starting this secret identity blog.

1. Privacy

Kansas Dad is a professor at a local university. Now, if I were a student today, one of the first things I'd do is Google each of my professors. Though I doubt any of his students would seek us out to harm us, I thought it would be better for Kansas Dad if he was able to decide what was appropriate to share with his students, rather than everything I post be common knowledge on campus.

I also read a blog about current naming trends (an occupational hazard of the mother-still-in-childbearing-years). A recent post linked back to one from years ago that hit a nerve with me. Though I didn't read it until after I started the new blog, I think it's relevant. Basically, everything I've put on the blog is out there for the world to find. Maybe First Son doesn't want his high school girlfriend to be able to search for him online and find the blog of his baby years. I could delete it, of course, but if you know me (as most of you do), I wouldn't. It's all I have! The baby book is nothing compared to the record on the blog, especially for First Daughter who has so many more pictures and even videos of her first year than First Son did on the original blog. So by hiding the names, my children only have to share the address with those they want to read it...unless they ask me to send an email for them since the blog address is part of my signature.

2. Identity Theft

I'd like to think we protect our children well from identity thefts. We store their Social Security cards at the bank's lock box and shred just about everything with a name on it, but I know there are people out there more resourceful at finding what they want than I am at hiding it. If someone did manage to get a hold of pertinent information, the blog is a treasure trove of security question answers (mother's maiden name, pet names, etc.). Now, hiding their names on the blog doesn't protect us very well from the people who know us (where I think I read most of the threat lies), but at least I can protect them from being found online by people searching for them by name.

3. Local "Threats"

Now we get to the meat of the matter. All the above reasons were bouncing around in my head but I wasn't concerned enough to change anything. I thought it would be a hassle to switch to a new blog. I liked using our name in the blog name. I was dragging my feet because it didn't seem important enough to take the time.

Then my mother-in-law started to notice the same car hanging out at a local site of interest my children visited (with her) on a regular basis. He wasn't doing anything illegal, but she was unnerved, and so was I. Anyone who read our blog would quickly be able to discern our regular haunts and could easily stake us out, awaiting us each day. While I am flattered by those who come each day to read our blog (and sorry it's not always up to date for you, though I'm trying to be better), the potential for the same behavior in real life was unsettling. Suddenly, it seemed very possible for someone to become a little too interested in us from the blog and seek us out in real life.

My family switched our habits a bit and I haven't heard about this particular man recently. For all I know, he was an undercover officer who did me a great service by prompting my switch to a new blog. Most likely, he was a perfectly innocent person who just happened to be around for some reason unknown to us. With the new blog, I feel safer from this kind of potential threat. Though it was probably never a great threat, it's been a simple easy change I could make to protect my children. There are so many things I can't protect them from, it's nice to make a little effort when I can.

Lest you think I'm against meeting anyone in real life, I want to make sure a few of you know you'd always be welcome in my humble home. Please send an email if you'll be in Kansas and we'll work something out. Of course, this goes for all our friends and family from years and homes past, but it's also an invitation to those of you who have been so open on your own blogs, ones I visit daily and love: Danielle, Suzanne, Jennie, Rachel, and Brandy. I suppose it's unlikely any of them read this post, but just in case...

It has just struck me that this is a long serious post for April Fool's Day. Well, I'm not much on practical jokes (playing end or receiving end), so I guess it's ok for me to be serious today.

Acrobat in Training

I was busy trying to convince First Daughter to return to the kitchen with her banana chocolate chip muffin (which I just knew she'd use to spread chocolate throughout the house). I heard a noise and turned to see First Son slide his chair from the table, grab the placemat, which slid to the floor (with a plate full of food and a full glass of milk), then follow it with a fantastic flip forward. He landed on his shoulder and neck, which was not fantastic. He's in tears. I'm in tears. (How could I let myself get three feet away from him?) Milk is everywhere (including dripping down First Son's hair, face and ears). First Daughter is wandering in the milk, spreading milk sock prints everywhere.

It was not fun.

And Kansas Dad was busy teaching a class.

I pulled myself together, gave First Son some Tylenol for the aches and pains I knew would stick around, and dropped everyone in the bath. Eventually the floor was clean, the kids were clean and in bed and I was (mostly) composed. But it took hours. If I could change one thing about Kansas Dad's job, it would be night classes. (Though he has a Saturday class in the fall; that might make two things. We'll have to see how it goes.)

I Agree, Daughter, I Agree

First Son has recently become enamored (again) with a certain video featuring a small red monster. It's nice to see First Daughter a bit intrigued with the TV (horrible, I know, but it is useful to have a reliable distraction on occasion; though I am dismayed at the thought that "Elmo" may soon be her first word), but she always comes racing to one of us grown folks when Mr. Noodle or his brother, Mr. Noodle, appears on screen.

I'm with you, little one. They are scary.

A Reminder on Safety

Always buckle your kids into safety seats, no matter how slowly or how far you intend to go.

My mom, sister-in-law, and all my nieces and nephew were riding just a few miles to my aunt's house last weekend when they were hit by another car. My sister-in-law got a pretty big bump, but all the kids were perfectly fine, thanks in no small part to their car seats. My oldest niece (who will be five in a week) was frustrated when people kept trying to talk to her, making sure all the girls were alert.

My youngest niece finally said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore because it scares me." Yes indeed, scary.

Candles

At first, First Son wasn't going to let us put a candle on Paw Paw's birthday cake. Then he insisted. He wasn't too keen on it, especially when it sparked back to life after Paw Paw blew it out. I doubt he'll give us another shot at his birthday next month. No candles again.