Query XIII

What do I do with a baby who insists on removing her socks over and over again?

I mean, it's pretty chilly in the house. We keep the thermostat in the low 60s. Even Kansas Dad wears socks (and sometimes shoes) in the kitchen.

But the baby (yes, I know she's almost 17 months old) seems oblivious. Does that mean her feet aren't cold? Or do I really need to replace the socks every ten minutes?

A Busy Month

December is a busy time here on the Range. In addition to Christmas, we have First Son's birthday, Kansas Dad's birthday and two other extended family birthdays (plus one in early January). Kansas Dad is facing the end of a semester and preparations for the next (always a stressful time) and we're often preparing to travel for the holidays. It's very easy for me to tell myself we're just going to do the minimum. I'm coming to believe that's a mistake.

“Merry Christmas” is more than a variation on “Hello.” It is a way of wishing the person’s Christmas celebration may be successful. “May you be swept up into the joy of the Incarnation.”

Read more of the wonderful article at Faith & Family.

Perhaps I will feel inspired enough to make some sugar cookies today.

Have a Minute?

There are lots of giveaways this week at Faith & Family. I read the blog there every day and find so many wonderful ideas, suggestions and lots of support from other moms. It's a great Catholic community and I'm pleased to have a link to them in my sidebar.

Mysteries

How did a rooster sneak into Second Daughter's crib after bedtime?

Another Month Already?

Is it just me or did November disappear?

We enjoyed our time with Mozart, listening mainly to the two discs from Essential Mozart: 32 Of His Greatest Masterpieces. Eventually we'll be listening to Beethoven for December, but I was late requesting our CD (something about planning a crazy Thanksgiving week) so we'll be picking it up tomorrow. (Shocking that we don't own any Beethoven, isn't it?)

Our December morning song is a favorite Christmas carol, Adeste Fideles.

If anyone's looking for the review of our history and culture books for November, I've combined them with our December books so I'll try to post them all before Christmas. We've only got a couple of weeks of lessons left before the holidays.

An Ornamental Tradition

Brandy has started an interesting discussion on the place for crafts. You can read some here, here and here. I had already started this post when she started writing, but I like how home-made Christmas ornaments fit into the realm of lasting treasures, unlike so many of the other things my kids love to make and I hate to throw away (but can't imagine where I'd store).

From the beginning, I always wanted to make Christmas ornaments with my kids every year and give them as gifts to grandparents, aunts and uncles. First Son was born two weeks before Christmas and I thought giving birth was quite enough so we didn't try anything the first year. (In fact, I'm pretty sure it was past New Year's Day before Kansas Dad and I were functioning at a level beyond basic survival.)

In 2004, I was only a little more adventurous. We bought three kits like this one. Even with Kansas Dad and I working together, it was a bit difficult to get First Son to cooperate. We finally had to settle for footprints, which just barely fit on the ornament. We saved one and gave one to each of the grandparents. I admit I love this ornament, but I'm a little afraid every year we'll break it and I'll cry.

In 2005, I was sick and tired (being pregnant with First Daughter). First Son was just two and I wasn't feeling well enough to tackle a complicated ornament, so we just ordered some cute ones from Snapfish with his picture and called it done. (Someday, Kansas Dad hopes to have an area for woodworking and would be happy to help the kids make the annual ornament, but that's still at least a few years in the future.)

Finally, in 2006, I came across a suggested ornament in Wondertime that seemed perfect for early-preschooler First Son. They were really easy. We learned that the smaller cookie cutters worked the best and that even at three, First Son had a limited attention span for the task. (I also preferred the smaller pieces of glitter.) After the first one, I smeared the glue on myself and just let him shake the glitter bag. Even so, he wasn't too interested at the end. (It would be much easier now with two of them to split the task.) I printed out pictures of the kids and wrote on the back the year, then hole-punched them and slipped them on the ribbon before tying it up.

Then, 2007 rolled around...and I was once again sick and tired (thanks to Second Daughter). First Son, First Daughter and a full-time job added to my exhaustion. I couldn't think long enough to come up with something fun. So I bought some felt ornaments and let First Son color them when he was home sick one day. It wasn't very creative, but it did entertain him long enough for me to still get some work done that day.

Last year, the kids and I copied an ornament a younger cousin of mine had made with her mom many years ago. I took old puzzle pieces and glued them together upside-down in the shape of Christmas trees. It was much more complicated to get them to stick together than I anticipated, though I probably could have used something more substantial as the glue. (I've since learned Aleene's Tacky Glue is hard to beat for craft projects like this.) I also painted them myself (and used all our green poster paint in the process). Then, I let the kids decorate them with stickers of ornaments and such. I liked how these ornaments turned out, but even spreading them out over a few days the kids were tired of putting on the stickers. Of course, now I would feel more confident giving them the painting portion which they would love. I wish I had a picture of them to share. I didn't follow any specific instructions, but these instructions look great. I wish I had thought of using buttons for the ornaments, though I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have trusted the kids using the tacky glue themselves last year. You can find lots of ideas for other shapes here.

I've already got the idea for this year. I can't tell you, though, because people who will be receiving the ornaments sometimes read the blog. Hopefully I'll remember to take some pictures and let you know how it goes. This is the one real holiday tradition we've started with the children and it's one I see growing so much as they gain skills and confidence in the craftsmanship. In the next few years, I will probably try to pick two different ornaments so First Son can attempt something more complicated. I think it's also important that we keep one of the ornaments for ourselves each year. I love hanging them on our tree and remembering the little hands that made them.

By the way, in case you're wondering about the relative quiet here on the Range, Second Daughter has been sick. Just a cold and a cough, but it's the kind that has this Mama propped nearly upright in bed all night with a toddler on her chest. Kansas Dad picked up a humidifier for our room that made a big difference last night. Sometimes she would consent to sleep next to me. It's not too fun but hopefully it won't last too much longer.

Coloring with Quality

I recently pulled out some real colored pencils for First Son. I found them on clearance at the local art store a few months ago and was saving them for a special occasion (meaning when I really needed him to be occupied while I finished something). I will never ever buy Crayola ones again. The artist-quality colored pencils have much brighter and more vibrant colors and flow more smoothly onto the paper. More importantly, they don't break as often and they are easier to sharpen. They are more expensive but they will last us a whole lot longer! I haven't actually tried out other brands, which might be just as good. I'm going to watch the paper for the 40% off coupons they put in the ads every now and then and send Kansas Dad to pick out a new set just about every time (which will be even cheaper than the clearance price I paid). I sense all three kids will receive a set of colored pencils (or two) next year for Christmas.

Review: NurtureShock

I posted some quotes and discussion on chapters two, three, four, five, six and nine earlier, but wanted to comment briefly on some of the other chapters.

Chapter one took a look at praise and why it's not so useful after all, including when it is useful (when it's specific). I had read all that before and probably you have, too, but if not, check it out.

Chapter seven focused on teenagers and arguments with parents, explaining why arguments themselves may not be bad after all. They tend to show respect (as opposed to just going behind a parent's back). If given some respect of their own with concessions when they make sense, teens who argue are actually less likely to be in real trouble. I thought it was interesting, but it wasn't pertinent to our own family yet.

In chapter eight, you can read about an astounding preschool and kindergarten curriculum (though it seems to me more of a process) that is providing amazing gains for children in districts across the country (so much so that some have lost at-risk funding because the children no longer test as at-risk). If you are homeschooling young children, do yourself a favor and find a copy of this book. You can also read about Tools of the Mind here. With a few simple methods, children are focusing on improving their self-control, patience, and focus (avoiding internal and external distractions). Surprisingly enough, these traits prepare children better for learning in later grades than letter and number work (though they do some of that, too). Some of the techniques are easily adapted for the homeschool and we may be trying them out, though I think there are lots of ways to focus on the same skills in other ways outside the classroom environment. One of the aspects I most appreciate in the program is the 45 minutes they devote to sustained imaginative play.

Chapter ten discussed strategies for teaching our children the spoken language. I wasn't too surprised at most of the research presented as I think I'd read of much of it before, but I'm still always fascinated by it. Our three children have always seemed a little slow to get started when talking but seem to catch up in about a week near eighteen months. I did have to wonder how Second Daughter would fare on the standard survey of words, given that she says things like Jesus and chocolate but took so long to consistently say Mama. (I'm not worried about her language development, by the way. I expect she'll follow First Daughter's example, who said about five words at fifteen months and was speaking in complete paragraphs by eighteen months.)

If a parent is concerned about speech development, the most important thing seems to be responding to vocalizations made by the infant or toddler quickly and appropriately. One interesting quote:

[Y]ou might think kids need to acquire a certain number of words in their vocabulary before they learn any sort of grammar--but it's the exact opposite. Grammar teaches vocabulary.

The conclusion presents some interesting research on gratitude, happiness and general well-being in the context of a discussion on research on children's well-being in all areas of growth, giving two assumptions that have been incorrect time and again in the studies they presented.

The first assumption is that things work in children in the same way that they work in adults.

Later:

The second assumption to drop...is that positive traits necessarily oppose and ward off negative behavior in children.

This book is well-worth your time. It doesn't take very long to read and brings to light the kind of research going on right now that can benefit parents immediately (and they present clearly ideas you can use). Amazingly, they have over 80 pages of notes referencing actual research papers.

They mention in the introduction how cavalierly the media treat research like this. If there's nothing better (meaning more sensational) to report, a new research study will be noted, not in relation to its actual importance or usefulness, but dependent on how much space or time that needs to be filled. This book fills a need parents have for accurate information to counter what we may be reading in parenting magazines or the general media.

I had to wait in line for it at the library, but it was worth it.

Getting Back to Normal

My extended family just left and we're settling back into normal. The kitchen is a mess and there's laundry to be done, but I think I need a nap first. Just watching the cousins run around was exhausting! So much fun, though. Pictures to come, I'm sure.

Hope you had a relaxing Thanksgiving and are enjoying as much beautiful weather as we have!

Quote: NurtureShock

We thought that aggressiveness as the reaction to peer rejection, so we have painstakingly attempted to eliminate peer rejection from the childhood experience. In its place is elaborately orchestrated peer interaction. We've created the play date phenomenon, while ladening older kids' schedules with after-school activities. We've segregated children by age--building separate playgrounds for the youngest children, and stratifying classes and teams. Unwittingly, we've put children into an echo chamber. Today's average middle schooler has a phenomenal 299 peer interactions a day. The average teen spends sixty hours a week surrounded by a peer group (and only sixteen hours a week surrounded by adults). This has created the perfect atmosphere for a different strain of aggression-virus to breed--one fed not by peer rejection, but fed by the need for peer status and social ranking. The more time peers spend together, the stronger this compulsion is to rank high, resulting in the hostility of one-upmanship. All those lessons about sharing and consideration can hardly compete. We wonder why it takes twenty years to teach a child how to conduct himself in polite society--overlooking the fact that we've essentially left our children to socialize themselves.

From Chapter Nine: Plays Well With Others in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

By the Way

As of yesterday, Second Daughter very clearly says Mama, but she usually screams "Mom!"

She is often carrying a book she wants me to read. Immediately. I think once I heard her say "Mom read book!" but it's just as likely she thinks "Mom" means "Mom read book."

It's adorable. I think my throat hurts from all the reading, but I don't care.

Wishing You a Wonderful Week

The first wave of guests for Thanksgiving arrives tomorrow (the second wave on Tuesday). We have a busy week that will include all the traditional Thanksgiving eating as well as birthday cake. I am so excited to have them all coming!!

As we'll be focusing on real life this week, I won't be spending much time online. I want to wish you all safe travels and a Happy Thanksgiving!

Discussion: NurtureShock

Observational studies have determined that siblings between the ages of three and seven clash 3.5 times per hour, on average. Some of those are brief clashes, others longer, but it adds up to ten minutes of every hour spent arguing. According to Dr. Hildy Ross, at the University of Waterloo, only about one out of every eight conflicts ends in compromise or reconciliation--the other seven times, the siblings merely withdraw, usually after the older child has bullied or intimidated the younger.

In case you can't tell, I'm finding this book enlightening. I just love it when people look at objective longitudinal studies and tell us what's really making a difference.

In Chapter Six, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman explore sibling relationships.

Kramer learned that sibling relationship quality is remarkably stable over the long term. Unless there ha been some major life event in the family--an illness, a death, a divorce--the character of the relationship didn't change until the eldest moved out of the house. for the most part, the tone established when they were very young, be it controlling and bossy or sweet and considerate, tended to stay that way.

Kansas Dad and I have a responsibility to help our children develop strong relationships with each other. It is not enough to simply give them more brothers and sisters; we mush show them how to be a family, how to show their love for each other and how to support each other. Now, it means taking turns being the leader in the parade. When they're grown, loving each other will mean things like planning a wedding shower in the throes of secret morning sickness and smiling the whole time. (Okay, not First Son, but I trust you can generalize.)

[I]n many sibling relationships, the rate of conflict can be high, but the fun times in the backyard and in the basement more than balance it out. This net-positive is what predicts a good relationship later in life. In contrast, siblings who simply ignored each other had less fighting, but their relationship stayed cold and distant long term.

When the kids have free play time, I'm usually within earshot, listening as I fold laundry or wash the dishes. I tend not to interfere when I hear arguments, preferring to let them settle their own differences. As parents, though, we should be instilling in our children the skills and knowledge they need to not only resolve their differences, but to play together harmoniously more often than not. These good times are literally the foundation of their life-long relationships with each other. Brandy had a wonderful post of this very understanding recently.

The authors describe what seems to be a wonderful program at my dad's beloved University of Illinois that teaches siblings skills in four sessions that prepare them to interact with each other without resorting to fisticuffs, yelling or silent treatments (and presumably it would generalize to interactions outside the family as well), "More Fun with Sisters and Brothers."

Kramer's program is unique in the field--she doesn't attempt to teach children some kinder version of conflict mediation. Grown-ups have a hard enough time mastering those techniques--attentive listening, de-escalation, avoiding negative generalizations, offering compliments. Instead, the thrust of Kramer's program is made in its title--getting siblings to enjoy playing together.

Later:

Along the way, the children adopt a terminology for how to initiate play with their siblings, how to find activities they both like to do together, and how to gently decline when they're not interested.

Later:

In Kramer's program, fewer fights are the consequence of teaching the children the proactive skills of initiating play on terms they can both enjoy. It's conflict prevention, not conflict resolution. Parents are mere facilitators; when back at home, their job is to reinforce the rule that the kids should use their steps together to work it out, without the parent's help.

It seems to me that the program not only teaches skills useful to all relationships, but it supports the family as a whole by bolstering the relationships at its core. There's no reason parents should not use the very same skills to ensure they are responding to the needs of the children as well. (I'm reminded of this quote.)

We have some wonderful friends in Boston who modeled some of these very concepts in how they were teaching their two sons (then) to resolve conflicts: considering who he could control (himself), accepting that his brother may want to do something else, recognizing the feelings of his brother. As with everything we teach our children (especially in reaction to behaviors that are already present), helping them to develop these kinds of skills is a long-term project. It can be especially frustrating, I think, for the older children who must accept the more limited capabilities of their younger siblings. First Son, for example, may have a greater ability to control his own impulses, but he still has a difficult time understanding that First Daughter does not yet have that same control, not to mention Second Daughter who wants desperately to do whatever they are doing but does it all wrong.

Then, the chapter got more interesting. There were some research studies on educational videos and books on sibling relationships and conflict management (like Sesame Street and the Berenstain Bears). They found, objectively, what I have often believed: These books and videos make everything worse! I contacted the program coordinator of Dr. Laurie Kramer's program, Mary Lynn Fletcher, who was not only very kind, but forwarded me a copy of the article in Early Childhood Research Quarterly showing the analysis of 261 children's books. (How wonderful!) From the abstract:

Results indicated that although children's books often represent warmth and involvement between siblings, they rarely described children engaging in conflict management or relationship maintenance activities. Parents were predominantly portrayed as responding to children's conflict using controlling methods rather than techniques that might foster negotiation and problem solving.

I already have a habit of excluding (before reading to the children) books that depict negative behavior (actions or words) between siblings and friends, especially if it's behavior my kids are not yet demonstrating. As mentioned in NurtureShock, I think it very likely my young children are more likely to mimic the negative actions or words than to fully understand and implement any resolutions that do appear.

I do think such books can be useful with young children if the children are already exhibiting the behavior, the book demonstrates clearly and consistently the disadvantages of the behavior, the behavior changes by the end of the book, and reading the book is accompanied by explicit instruction or discussion between child and parent about the behavior and its consequences, including alternative ideas for ways to express feelings. (I have similar feelings on books about how monsters in the closet aren't scary. My kids didn't think there were monsters in the closet, but sometimes they do now. I usually regret it when things like this slip past me in books.)

One of the best predictors of how well two siblings get along is determined before the birth of the younger child...Instead, the predictive factor is the quality of the older child's relationship with his best friend.

Seem counter-intuitive?

It's long been assumed that siblings learn on one another, and then apply the social skills they acquire to their relationships with peers outside the family. Kramer say it's the other way around: older siblings train on their friends, and then apply what they know to their little brothers and sisters.

What stood out the most? Fantasy play. It requires children to respond to each other, to attend to the actions of the friend and communicate their own thoughts in the scenario.

Friends, you see, can leave. They can decline to play. Children learn how they must behave so that their friends will want to play again on another day. Siblings, however, aren't going anywhere. It doesn't matter how rude or bossy you are, they'll still be there in an hour or the next day. (By the way, the "social skills" developed in a preschool or day care environment weren't enough. The benefits were associated with real friendships.)

It seems that teaching our children to view each other as friends is vastly important. I think we can see this in some of the older children's literature. I wish I could think of a specific example, but I'm thinking of books like Little Women and Rainbow Valley. (Did these books actually depict sibling conflicts?) I remember reading of the childish agony of brothers and sisters who were separated by anger, even if in a silly argument, and their great desire and joy in reconciling. (I also think these types of books are probably showing a great many positive interactions for the few negative ones, and they are addressed to older children who have a more developed understanding of conflict resolution.)

Based on Chapter Six: The Sibling Effect in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Quote: NurtureShock

The issue isn't some innate flaw with intelligence tests. The problem is testing kids too young, with any kind of test.

The real problem:

In applying the science to the reality, the problem doesn't seem to lie with the age of initial screening. Even in kindergarten, a few children are clearly and indisputably advanced. Instead, what stands out as problems are: the districts who don't give late-blooming children additional chances to test in, and the lack of objective retesting to ensure the kids who got in young really belong there.

What everyone should know:

[I]t needs to be recognized that no current test or teacher ratings systems, whether used alone or in combination on such young kids, meets a reasonable standard of confidence to justify a long-term decision. Huge numbers of great kids simply can't be "discovered" so young.

How the tests really fail our kids:

Real intellectual development doesn't fit into nicely rounded bell curves. It's filled with sharp spikes in growth and rough setbacks that have to be overcome.

We need to question why this idea of picking the smart children early even appeals to us. We set this system up to make sure natural talent is discovered and nurtured. Instead, the system is failing a majority of the kids, and a lot of natural talent is being screened out.

From Chapter Five: The Search for Intelligent Life in Kindergarten in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Morning Prayers, More and More

When we first started officially homeschooling, I instituted morning prayers. From the beginning, Kansas Dad thought the second prayer "Watch O Lord" lent itself too much to the evening to be the best part of our morning ritual, but I really liked it, so we kept it for a while.

Recently, though, we switched. At our parish, we always say the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel at the end of mass. I thought including it in our morning prayer would help First Son and First Daughter become familiar with it, so they could recite along with everyone else. We still say our morning prayer, just follow it with this one instead of "Watch O Lord."

Because "Watch O Lord" was a bit long, I didn't expect the children to memorize it, but they had! Kansas Dad usually reads and prays with the older two at bedtime. There's an elaborate ritual involved: one book from each (Kansas Dad is reading snippets from The Book of Virtues as his choice each night), then lights out and rocking for one song with First Daughter, then rocking for one song with First Son (they take turns picking the music; First Daughter always picks Junior's Bedtime Songs while First Son always picks Rock-A-Bye Veggie), then Kansas Dad prays for God and his angels to watch over all the kids (and so on), then each of the kids prays whatever they like, then Kansas Dad prays something more traditional like a Hail Mary.

Well, it turns out First Daughter has been reciting "Watch O Lord" as her prayer a great many evenings. It is such a sweet sound to hear her little voice recite the prayer!

Lessons Learned

In an effort to increase Second Daughter's fat intake, we want to feed her more yogurt. Unfortunately, the organic whole milk yogurt at the store is very expensive, even the big containers that don't have pictures of babies on them. I was recently reminded by some friends that I can make my own yogurt.

Only I learned making yogurt in my crockpot is not going to work in the wintertime. I ended up with cold milk, a little soured. It's just too cold in my kitchen. (I should have known since even in the bread machine I have to increase the amount of yeast I use in the winter.)

I tried a more traditional method (cooking the milk on the stove then placing it in the oven) but managed to end the process halfway through by letting the oven get too hot and killing the bacteria. (The chickens liked it, though.) It would be fine if I could get six hours of guaranteed interruption-free time.

So, the moral of the story is: we buy our yogurt until spring. (Kansas Dad joked we could just set our thermostat higher, but I think that would be more expensive in the long run than buying the yogurt.)

Also, in case you were wondering, shelling popcorn is not as easy as all the books and websites would have you believe. (They all just say "Shell your popcorn, store and eat!") I spent a few hours (while also overseeing snack time and paper plate turkey construction) shelling it by hand and ended up with half a quart jar of popcorn and a big blister on my thumb. We're going to try one of these, even if they say it doesn't work. There has to be a better way. (I'd be happy for any advice on the matter.)

Quote: NurtureShock

Parents often fail to address early childhood lying, since the lying is almost innocent--their child's too young to know what lies are, or that lying's wrong. When their child gets older and learns those distinctions, the parents believe, they lying will stop. This is dead wrong, according to Dr. Talwar. The better a young child can distinguish a lie from truth, the more likely she is to lie given the chance.

It happens every day:

In studies where children are observed in their homes, four-year-olds will lie once every two hours, while a six-year-old will like about once an hour. Few kids are an exception. In these same studies, 96% of all kids offer up lies.

Learning about white lies:

Simultaneously as they learn to craft and maintain a lie, kids also learn what it's like to be lied to. But children don't start out thinking lies are okay, and gradually realize they're bad. The opposite is true. They start out thinking all deception--of any sort--is bad, and slowly realize that some types are okay.

How parents can stop lying:

What really works is to tell the child, "I will not be upset with you if you peeked, and you tell the truth. I will be really happy." This is an offer of both immunity and a clear route back to good standing. Talwar explained this latest finding: "Young kids are lying to make you happy--trying to please you." So telling kids that the truth will make a parent happy challenges the kid's original thought that hearing good news--not the truth--is what will please the parent.

We teach our children to lie:

Despite the number of times she's seen it happen, she's regularly amazed at parents' apparent inability to recognize that a white lie is still a lie.

Why it matters:

Encouraged to tell so many white lies, children gradually get comfortable with being disingenuous. Insincerity becomes, literally, a daily occurrence. They learn that honestly only creates conflict, while dishonesty is an easy way to avoid conflict. And while they don't confuse white-lie situations with lying to cover their misdeeds, they bring this emotional groundwork from one circumstance to the other.

On tattling:

They've learned that nine times out of ten a kid runs up to a parent to tell [tattle], that kid is being completely honest. And while it might seem to a parent that tattling is incessant, to a child that's not the case--because for every one time a child seeks a parent for help, there were fourteen other instances when he was wronged and did not run to the parent for aid.

When the child--who's put up with as much as he can handle--finally comes to tell the parent the honest truth, he hears, in effect, "Stop bringing me your problems!" According to one researcher's work, parents are ten times more likely to chastise a child for tattling than they are to chide a child who lied.

Later:

The era of holding information back from parents has begun.

From Chapter Four: Why Kids Lie in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Looking Forward

Kansas Dad adjusted Second Daughter's car seat today, and changed it to forward-facing. I've heard it's a good idea to keep babies rear-facing as long as possible, but she'd outgrown the limits of the seat. She took her first ride to get an H1N1 shot and didn't seem to enjoy it very much.

On the bright side, we waited about one minute after I finished filling out the forms. I took them to a mobile clinic in a near-by small town and it was wonderful compared to the huge waits I heard about at clinics in the big city near-by.

Quote: NurtureShock

For decades, we assumed that children will only see race when society points it out to them. That approach was shared by much of the scientific community--the view was that race was a societal issue best left to sociologist and demographers to figure out. However, child development researchers have increasingly begun to question that presumption. They argue that children see racial differences as much as they see the difference between pink and blue--but we tell kids that "pink" means for girls and "blue" is for boys. "White" and "black" are mysteries we leave them to figure out on their own.

Later:

We might imagine we're creating color-blind environments for children, but differences in skin color or hair or weight are like differences in gender--they're plainly visible. We don't have to label them for them to become salient. Even if no teacher or parent mentions race, kids will use skin color on their own, the same way they use T-shirt colors.

Don't be afraid to talk about it:

The point Katz emphasizes is that during this period of our children's lives when we imagine it's most important to not talk about race is the very developmental period when children's minds are forming their first conclusions about race.

Early:

It's possible that by third grade, when parents usually recognize it's safe to start talking a little about race, the developmental window has already closed.

Environment isn't enough:

The other deeply held assumption modern parents have is what Ashley and I have come to call the Diverse Environment Theory. If you raise a child with a fair amount of exposure to people of other races and cultures, the environment becomes the message. You don't have to talk about race--in fact, it's better to not talk about race. Just expose the child to the diverse environments and he'll think it's entirely normal.

Kids self-segregate:

Those increased opportunities to interact are also, effectively, increased opportunities to reject each other. And that is what's happening.

Race can be discussed like gender:

What jumped out at Phyllis Katz, in her study of 200 black and white children, was that parents are very comfortable talking to their children about gender, and they work very hard to counterprogram against boy-girl stereotypes. That ought to be our model for talking about race.

Later:

To be effective, researchers have found, conversations about race have to be explicit, in unmistakeable terms that children understand.

From Chapter Three: Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Quote: NurtureShock

The performance gap caused by an hour's difference in sleep was bigger than the gap between a normal fourth-grader and a normal sixth-grader. Which is another way of saying that a slightly sleepy sixth-grader will perform in class like a mere fourth-grader. "A loss of one hour of sleep is equivalent to [the loss of] two years of cognitive maturation and development."

Later:

Perhaps most fascinating, the emotional context of a memory affects where it gets processed. Negative stimuli get processed by the amygdala; positive or neutral memories get processed by the hippocampus. Sleep deprivation hits the hippocampus harder than the amygdala. The result is that sleep-deprived people fail to recall pleasant memories, yet recall gloomy memories just fine.

Teenagers suffer the most:

Brown's Mary Carskadon has demonstrated that during puberty, the circadian system--the biological clock--does a "phase shift" that keeps adolescents up later. In prepubescents and grownups, when it gets dark outside, the brain produces melatonin, which makes us sleepy. But adolescent brains don't release melatonin for another 90 minutes. So even if teenagers are in bed at ten p.m. (which they aren't), they lie awake, staring at the ceiling.

Awakened at dawn by alarm clocks, teen brains are still releasing melatonin. This pressures them to fall back asleep--either in first period at school or, more dangerously, during the drive to school. Which is one of the reasons young adults are responsible for more than half of the 100,000 "fall asleep" crashes annually.

The schools don't help:

While the evidence is compelling, few [school] districts have followed this lead. Conversely, 85% of America's public high schools start before 8:15 a.m., and 35% start at or before 7:30 a.m.

Later:

But of all the arguments [Dr. Mark Mahowald, Director of the Minnesota Regional Sleep Disorders Center has] heard, no one's argument is that children learn more at 7:15 a.m. than at 8:30. Instead, he forcefully reasons, schools are scheduled for adult convenience: there's no educational reason we start schools as early as we do. "If schools are for education, then we should promote learning instead of interfere with it," he challenges.

It's not just academics:

Several scholars have noted that many hallmark traits of modern adolescence--moodiness, impulsiveness, disengagement--are also symptoms of chronic sleep deprivation. Might our culture-wide perception of what it means to be a teenager be unwittingly skewed by the fact they don't get enough sleep?

But there's more:

All the studies point in the same direction: on average, children who sleep less are fatter than children who sleep more.

A big difference:

Among the middle schoolers and high schoolers studied, the odds of obesity went up 80% for each hour of lost sleep.

From Chapter Two: The Lost Hour in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson & Ashely Merryman