Talking to Ourselves: Chatter

Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It

by Ethan Kross

I heard about this book on an episode of The Happiness Lab (great podcast for older teens and adults with regular advice on choosing wisely for what will really make us happy, even if they don't acknowledge the benefit of a benevolent and merciful God). 

Dr. Kross is a psychologist who studies how we talk to ourselves and how we can use our will and reason to adjust that inner voice for our short and long term benefit. He begins with a few chapters describing what the inner voice is and research on how it important it is.

...we use our minds to write the story of our lives, with us as the main character. Doing so helps us mature, figure out our values and desires, and weather change and adversity by keeping us rooted in a continuous identity. (p. 15)

When our inner voice descends into "chatter," however, it can damage our ability to solve problems and destroy our peace. Sharing about the illness of Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Dr, Kross explains:

What her experience shows us in singularly vivid terms is how deeply we struggle with our inner voice--to the point where the stream of verbal thoughts that allows us to function and think and be ourselves could lead to expansively good feelings when it's gone...Not only can our thoughts taint experience. They can blog out nearly everything else. (p. 19)

The author then goes through all sorts of ways we can address our own chatter and ways others can help us (and how we can help others). These are presented with plenty of background information and advice, but the end of the book includes a section called "The Tools" which clearly and succinctly presents all the tools. You should really read the book to learn how best to implement these, but you can just flip to the back of the book for a quick burst of information. You'll find tools you can implement on your own, ones that involve other people, how to receive support, and how to modify your environment to reduce chatter.

This book provides a great synthesis of all sorts of research and advice I've seen here and there. It's also extensively researched, with copious endnotes and references to published studies. (I did notice one reference to a student who learned during her genealogical research that she is a descendent of George Washington through his slaves. This surprised me greatly and a brief search online found these claims are highly contested. I imagine they took her word for it, but I would probably have left that bit of her story out of the book.)

It is also a book of its time, supportive of nontraditional lifestyles and, while appreciative of the psychological benefits of being an involved member of a faith community, dismissive of the possibility of an actual greater being who bestows peace or grace on anyone. This attitude was not unexpected or  overbearing.

If any of my remaining homeschooling children want a high school psychology course, I will include this book. I will probably add it to our health course as a free read (but required reading) for all the others. I believe the knowledge of this book would be a great asset for college students and young adults (and everyone else, too).

I have received nothing in exchange for this post. Links to Bookshop are affiliate links. I borrowed this book from our library (though I intend to acquire a copy for our homeschool).

Shaping Our World for Relationships: The Blue Zones of Happiness

The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons from the World's Happiest People

by Dan Buettner

Mater Amabilis™families may recognize the author; he's the same one who wrote Sovietrek and Africatrek. We never read Africatrek, but loved Sovietrek. Apparently the kind of man who spends months biking across continents is the kind of man who devotes his later life to exploring what kind of behavior is correlated with happiness.

In the very beginning of this book is a little survey the reader can take to assess their current level of "happiness." Just for fun, I jotted down my answers and scored them only to find I was practically off the chart for happiness in just about everything. Financially, I didn't score as high because Kansas Dad and I have deliberately chosen a lifestyle that allows us to focus on non-financial aspects of well-being. (I also scored a little low on having a goal to work toward, but as Kansas Dad said, if you're goal is just to read a book while drinking tea...there's not a lot of work and planning to put into that.)

The point, though, is that Kansas Dad and I have thought a lot about what makes us happy: faith, family, relationships. Then we shaped our life around those. Mr. Buettner's book identifies many of those same features.

The most interesting parts of this book for me were the ones that concentrated on how communities can choose to shape their laws and ordinances to make it easier for people to choose the kinds of activities that contribute to better health, better relationships, and general well-being. Most cities and towns in America do not consider "happiness" of their residents when developing their communities; they often focus on creating jobs (which are necessary but not sufficient) and economic development (also necessary but often at levels far below what people might expect).

As former French president Nicolas Sarkozy said in 2009, there has been a troubling disconnect in recent years between what government statistics are saying about the economy and what most people are feeling. While production and profits may be rising, people may not be feeling any better about their lives.

In the book, Mr. Buettner focuses on three countries in particular: Costa Rica, Denmark, and Singapore. Though he admits none of them would translate exactly into laws that would work in the United States, it's interesting to see how three different countries have developed different but equally successful ways to help their citizens flourish.

If the world you wake up to every day were designed to support healthier choices, you wouldn't need that extra oomph of willpower. if your grocery store featured the finest produce, if your friends dropped by every afternoon to take a walk together, if your neighborhood had easy-access sidewalks and bike lanes, if your workplace were a mile away from home, think how much easier it would be to make the choices I've outlined in this book that we all know lead to greater well-being!

Each chapter includes some focused ideas for the reader to consider applying to his or her own life. As I mentioned above, most of these are things we are already doing. One change I am considering is planting a small garden with the children this spring. Kansas Dad is the gardener around here; I much prefer to read about gardening. Or, even better, to just sit at a window overlooking a garden while reading Jane Austen. But growing things and especially food would be such a great complement to our homeschool and would augment much of what we're already doing...it seems like something that might be worth the effort.

The book also reminded me that negative interactions are remembered at a much greater rate than positive ones, something I lead in many parenting books over the years.

Offer at least three positive comments to each of your friends and loved ones, on average, for every negative.

Because we homeschool, my children do not have others interacting with them all day every day. They also have to listen to me correct them as their only teacher. As gentle as I try to be, I need to remember to also point out to them what they are doing well and when they are helping to cultivate a culture of love and kindness in our home.

One thing we won't be doing is following the 50-20-30 rule for our finances. It's not that I disagree with spending 20% of our income on financial stability and 30% on personal spending (shopping, entertainment, etc.). The problem, and one that probably affects lots of other people, is that we need more than 50% of our income to cover our essential living expenses (housing, health care, groceries, car payments, and utility bills). We could alter our percentages by changing Kansas Dad's job or sending me back into the workforce. Every now and then we talk about our options, but in the end we've always decided to continue our focus on family and relationships. We're willing to sacrifice these financial aspects to focus on what we think will make us happiest.

Another aspect I think Mr. Buettner doesn't really understand is the role of faith and children. The book encourages regular attendance and involvement in a faith community, but it doesn't seem to matter which one. Of course, we believe there is a difference and that following the truth of the Catholic Church (despite its current struggles) is better than other choices.

As for children, Mr. Buettner points out that they cause a decrease in happiness as long as they are dependents. I suppose that's true if you focus on the stress of raising children and perhaps our day-to-day struggles do cause less superficial happiness, but we believe children are a great blessing and give our lives meaning that would otherwise be more difficult to discern. I think this partly depends, too, on the support we have in raising children. Because we are relatively secure and supported by a loving family and parish, we experience less stress than others who may be worried about feeding their child.

Mr. Buettner's book seems to throw children in with other aspects of life like whether you can bike to work and eat healthy foods, but we would elevate them to another level. Children are not something you have to make you happier (now or in the future) nor are they something you should avoid because you think they will make you unhappy in the short term. All that being said, this view of children is probably outside the scope of Mr. Buettner's book, so I don't really blame him for this aspect of the book.

I received nothing in exchange for this review. I borrowed this book from the library. All opinions are my own. Links above to Amazon are affiliate links.

Fifteen Years with Kansas Dad, the Kansas Years

I’m reminiscing this week in honor of our anniversary. Read the first post here and the second post here.

I remember when my engagement ring broke and I lost my diamond. Kansas Dad had taken First Daughter, still an infant, to pick up First Son from his day care while I exercised, one of the first times since she was born. When I finished, I realized my diamond was missing and frantically searched the carpet between the couch and the television. I was in tears when he arrived home and then cried even more when I found my diamond, safely buckled into the car seat under First Daughter’s bum.

Somehow, we managed to both need to go to New York City the same week, him for the defense of his doctoral thesis and me for a business trip. We couldn’t manage to both be gone for any of it, so Kansas Dad flew there first while I stayed home with the two kids (and pregnant with Second Daughter) and we celebrated the successful defense over the phone (yay!). Then our planes passed each other somewhere in the sky as I flew to New York and he flew home. It might still be the longest we’ve been apart since we married (though perhaps my trip to Boston this summer surpassed it). First Daughter, who was nineteen months old, had to be picked up at day care one day while I was away and Kansas Dad needed to teach class. So he took her along. She wrote on the wall with dry-erase marker and delighted the students.

The first time we saw our first house, Kansas Dad was on crutches after a dislocated ankle and I was nine months pregnant. It was so muddy, our van almost got stuck in the driveway. We hobbled and limped around trailed by First Son and First Daughter who declared we should buy the house because it had a slide. I’m not sure how much the slide figured into it, but we did buy the house. This house has given us warmth and shelter for five years now and placed us within the best parish we have every known.

The year after Second Son was born was a difficult one. The children were all so young and I felt keenly my defects as a mother each day. Then one day while frantically dumping out a bag to pack the diaper bag for a visit to the pediatrician, anxious about being late and disorganized, I saw drop onto the bed the watch Kansas Dad had given me for my birthday a few months after we’d started dating, the watch that had been missing for years. I loved that watch; I remembered watching the sunset from my parents’ porch swing the night he gave it to me and what a perfect gift I thought it was. When that watch fell out of the bag, I almost believed an angel had found it for me and tucked it in there earlier in the morning so I’d find it and remember all over again what a wonderful life I had.

We’ve had one real tornado scare in our home. Oh, we’d gone to the storm shelter before but it was more a precaution than that we were worried a tornado would really come close. This time was different. We’d watched the storms for hours after the children went to bed and eventually realized we were really and truly in the path. I gathered up laptops and external hard drives and shoes for the kids and carried two bags out before we woke the kids. We dragged everyone through the storm and then watched YouTube videos (until we lost our Internet) while huddled in the dark, damp from our run through the storm. Second Son was so unhappy and shared his unhappiness with the other kids, groggy with sleep. It wasn’t a particularly fun night, but I felt so safe and protected in the storm shelter, surrounded by the most important people in my life.

Just a few weeks ago, we organized three different vacations in four locations for our family of six so Kansas Dad and I could spend a few days relaxing with each other in peace and quiet. Through the generosity of his parents, my parents, my brother and his wife, and his brother and his wife, we had a delightful anniversary trip (a little early). We went to the Illinois State Fair, where Kansas Dad examined every chicken and duck in the poultry barn. We ate our meals outside on the deck, walked through the woods, and played Agricola when it rained.

Everything in my life is better with Kansas Dad at my side and I look forward joyfully to all the years in our future.

Fifteen Years with Kansas Dad, the New York Years

I’m reminiscing this week in honor of our anniversary. Read the first post here.

Our first Thanksgiving in New York is one of my favorite Thanksgivings. My family all came to visit. Our little apartment was crowded with people I loved. My dear friend J and her boyfriend (now husband), S, came for the meal. S saved Thanksgiving by catching the turkey with his bare hands while Kansas Dad was turning it.

I remember the Easter Vigil when Kansas Dad joined the Church. I’d only been to one Vigil before, the one when my father joined and I was very young, so it all seemed new to me. The church glowed with light and I was incredibly happy to be Catholic.

I have so many wonderful memories of our time in New York: eating cannoli in our Bronx neighborhood, walking through Union Square Park, wandering Prospect Park in Brooklyn, the Indian restaurant we frequented in Park Slope, the night we went to the opera (one of the few times we enjoyed the “culture” in New York without a guest or two to justify the expense), and, perhaps my favorite of all, riding the Staten Island ferry there and back. It was such a treat to stand with you on the deck and watch Lady Liberty and the New York skyline drift by.

The summer before First Son was born, just before our fifth anniversary, we vacationed for two weeks in Italy and France. I had never been. It was delightful: gelato, bisteca florintine, St. Peter’s and the Scavi, all the museums and art I’d only seen in books, and that gem of a museum in Lyon on printing where Kansas Dad had to read the signs to me because I didn’t know French. We bought a rosary at the Vatican gift shop, carefully selected for the baby to be born in a few months.

I remember when First Son was born. Exhausted, I looked at Kansas Dad as he choked out, “It’s a boy! We have a son!” There were tears in his eyes and for a brief moment, the lights and noise and movement in the room around us faded and I could see only him. I loved him almost unbearably in the moment. The memories of the births of each of our children are dear to me, but this first was one of the most powerful moments of my life.

I remember watching Kansas Dad carry First Son around our tiny Brooklyn apartment when he was just a few days old. He was swaddled tightly and he was crooning into his ear, reading some theology textbook aloud to him, studying and soothing at the same time. I could never have known how wonderful a father he would be when we married, but I thanked God for my whole life then.

Fifteen Years with Kansas Dad, the Early Years

This week, Kansas Dad and I will celebrate our fifteenth anniversary. Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about our time together and have enjoyed reminiscing about the experiences we’ve had so far. In the next three posts, I’m going to share fifteen memories (with some flexibility). These are not necessarily the most important moments of our life together or the most meaningful. Rather, they are the moments I remember thinking, “This is my life and it is a good one. How blessed I am!”

Oh, our honeymoon! We needed a new one a few days before the wedding and ended up in California with a rental car but no place to stay. We wandered north and south of San Francisco, even staying with Kansas Dad’s aunt and uncle for a few nights, but it was wonderful I remember one day, leaning against the railing at a lighthouse. We had been hoping to spot some whales, but the drizzle and fog obscured everything. I remember the smell of the sea and the feel of the mist and raindrops on my face…and my husband at my side.

We got a cat shortly after we were married because I wanted one and was devastated when Kansas Dad turned out to be allergic. Then, being prepared for a pet, we felt bereft and decided impulsively to get a dog, a beagle. We drove three hours to pick him up. He was fat and dirty, but we’d driven so far we took him home. The very first day, he ate part of the entertainment center, chewed through the television’s cord, pulled down all of my dresses and rolled on them (requiring a hefty dry cleaning bill). It was only the first of many stories about “Things Sherlock Ate or Otherwise Destroyed,” but he was a good dog.

Just before our first anniversary, I started a new job and came home in the middle of the first day feeling ill. Eventually diagnosed with pneumonia, I missed the rest of the week and we debated canceling our anniversary trip to Maine, but drove up anyway. We stayed in one room of a huge house along the coast, sharing a bathroom. One day, we visited a near-by state park where I dozed on the beach while he walked the dunes. It was peaceful and calm and I felt like a convalescent on the coast of an English novel.

Was it our second anniversary when we stayed in Plymouth? Kansas Dad surprised me with a whale-watching cruise. The camera was broken, so we have only the memories of that amazing trip, when we saw every kind of marine wildlife possible. Remember how the humpback and her calf appeared so close to the side of the boat that we rocked a bit? The guide warned us any other whale-watching cruise would be a disappointment after that one, but I still hope to one day take the children on one.

My Favorite Picture Books: Extra Yarn

Extra Yarn by Mac Barnett, illustrated by Jon Klassen

Annabelle lives in a bleak world of black and white when she finds the box of yarn. She knits herself and her dog sweaters. She knits sweaters for other people in the town, for animals, and then begins to adorn the city itself with beauty. No matter how much she knits, the yarn never runs out. She begins to attract attention with her knitting and eventually an evil man attempts to steal the box of yarn, but is it the sort of thing that can be stolen?

Jon Klassen's illustrations are delightful, full of people, animals and inanimate objects covered happily (and sometimes unexpectedly) in yarn. First Son was especially thrilled to find a familiar character from I Want My Hat Back, a picture book at which I really and truly laughed out loud.

Though Annabelle doesn't seem particularly unhappy at the beginning of the book, I love how she changes her whole world simply by creating a bit of beauty and sharing it with everyone, even those who insist they want nothing to do with it. She refuses to relinquish her gift despite huge amounts of money and threats. And when someone tries to steal it, well...you'll have to read the book. Suffice it to say I find the ending lovelier every time I read it.

I want to be Annabelle. I want my children to want to be like her...and I think anyone can be.

Life Happened Instead

About a year ago, I planned an ambitious slate of books and activities for first grade. I thought I was being reasonable, anticipating a slow start with a baby due in July, but I had no idea what was in store for us.

Second Son was born and we had a quiet first month at home, starting school when he was about four weeks old. At first, I was pleased with how we progressed. We were finishing our lessons and my house was in reasonable order. As time went on, though, I began to struggle.

Some babies are content no matter where they are or what's going on. Second Daughter was like that. She had her moments and seasons where she needed more attention, but overall she was happy to just be where she could see her big brother and sister and chatter with me as I worked.

Some babies, though, require just a bit more of their mamas. I call them "high maintenance." First Son was high maintenance. Back then, we had one baby, a 400 square foot apartment, and Kansas Dad handled much of the baby care while I worked. I naively thought it was tough those few times I tried to be productive and he was uncooperative. Then, Second Son came along. He was also a high maintenance baby. Only now I was home alone most days with three other kids and a whole lot more house to manage.

If I put Second Son down to clear the table, he cried. If I put him down to wash the dishes, he cried. If I put him down to make a meal for the other kids, he cried. If I put him down to change Second Daughter's diaper, he cried. If I put him down to wash my hands, he cried. If I put him down to go to the bathroom, he cried. (I could go on, but it's getting a little redundant, don't you think?)

If I put him in the carrier to clear the table, wash the dishes, prepare a meal or wash my hands, he cried. For months he was only content being carried in the football hold. That boy wanted undivided attention. In fact, Kansas Dad and I quickly learned he was happiest with one adult holding him and another adult entertaining him.

I hinted at Second Son's neediness a little on the blog, but I couldn't bring myself to write about it a lot. I didn't want to complain and I certainly didn't want people to think we didn't love every chubby bit of him. Because we did. Oh, but I struggled! I like my kitchen tidy and my laundry clean. If it isn't, I feel terrible. I find it difficult to concentrate on anything else. But I also can't bear to let my little one cry and cry and cry just so I can fold a few clothes. So usually, we both cried. Isn't that how it is? I also found myself speaking a little sharper than I liked to the other children because I was so stressed by Second Son's constant needs and tears.

Let me be clear: Second Son was healthy. He did not have colic. He just wanted to be held all day by someone who wasn't doing anything else. If he had that, he was content. Does that sound like too much to ask?

One night in November, I was sitting on the sofa with Kansas Dad while all the kids slept. I said, "I'm not feeling very well," leaned over and was out. The next thing I knew, Kansas Dad was kneeling before me calling my name repeatedly and looking very concerned. I talked to the doctor who assured me healthy people are not supposed to faint. He ran a series of tests, but in his opinion I was doing too much. I tried to explain that I was only doing the minimum, but he insisted, "You need to set priorities. Whatever you think you need to be doing is too much."

I pondered his advice for a few days. Of course, if we had been dealing with serious illness, I would have recognized the need to limit our lessons or alter my daily goals, but I was just trying to do the dishes and the laundry and the lessons. How could I do less? Eventually, though, I realized this time, these few months when Second Son was so little, he required more of me than dishes and laundry. When I am pregnant, I cut back on my responsibilities drastically because growing a little person is hard work for my body and mind. I give myself the freedom to focus my energy on the baby. Second Son just needed that energy a little bit longer. Though at times I felt like his needs extended unceasingly into the future, logically I knew he'd soon outgrow it. First Son outgrew it and so would Second Son. So I set my sights on six months or nine months or one year and prayed a lot about making some changes.

I pared back our lessons and outside activities. I gave myself permission to wash the table, stack the dirty dishes by the sink and then leave them until Kansas Dad was home. Most importantly, I gave up trying to make dinner. By the end of the day, Second Son and I were both tired. Trying to prepare a meal while he cried was probably my greatest source of stress. Instead, Kansas Dad made something simple when he got home. He usually still does.

Kansas Dad was a solid source of aid, comfort, understanding and support during all these months. In addition to making dinner most nights, he often finished washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, folding the clothes, washing the bathroom or all sorts of other odd jobs just because he knew I hated to leave them half-done but had been unable to get back to them.

Second Son is now nine months old. I do not think it's an exaggeration to say we're just now getting to a place I like to be. I'm still not making dinner most nights, but the lessons, laundry and dishes are getting done with little crying from Second Son. Perhaps we would have gotten here sooner if I hadn't gotten horribly ill just after Christmas with an infection resistant to the first-choice antibiotics. Or perhaps the infection gave me the freedom I needed to cut back even more.

If I have any regrets, it's that I didn't ask for more help. There are lots of people who could have come and held Second Son for me once a week or so while I tackled a few tasks. I hated to ask because we couldn't afford to pay anything, but I think they would have happily come anyway. I'm sorry I did not allow them the opportunity to serve. One day I'll be in a position to run over to a friend's house for a few hours to give her a break and I hope and pray she'll ask. (I did ask for help when Kansas Dad had to return to work and I was still feeling so ill. I am very much indebted to my mother-in-law and friends who each took a day off from their busy lives to come comfort me and hold Second Son. I have no idea how we would have fared during those days without help.)

I've been debating whether I should tell this story. My blog tends to the upbeat, the successes, the joys. But it has been surfacing in my mind as the homeschool reviews remind me how much I'd hoped to do this year that never happened. Mostly, though, I wanted to share a little of our experiences because I know we're not the only ones. I wanted to put it up there on the blog that sometimes the first year is hard, even for healthy mothers with healthy babies.

Please take the advice of a mother who has been there: If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. Cut seriously back on your goals. Relax your standards. If you think you may be suffering from postpartum depression, please do not delay in talking with a doctor, but even if you don't believe it's something quite that serious, you still deserve peace in your life and in your heart. Give yourself some time.

Your baby will grow. He will learn to sit, to play, to roll around the room to reach all sorts of choking hazards you are sure you hid away.

One day, you will realize the baby has been taking a nap for an hour, the house is clean, the other children are playing happily in the spring sunshine and maybe, just maybe, dinner is almost ready.

Quote: A Mother's Rule of Life

[A] Rule of Life is...about personal balance and loving relationships and intimacy with God. After a very intense first year or so, I began to notice a real improvement in my ability to meet the demands of my vocation. Things weren't so hard anymore. After two years, I realized that somewhere along the line, without my noticing it, I'd experienced a real calming of my person; I no longer had big ups or downs. I'd get up in the morning, and I'd be ready to start my day without any of the earlier reluctance or difficulty. My home was usually in satisfactory order, and the kids' schooling was coming along very well. That has continued until the present time, and it's coming on four years...

But most important, I've time for God and for my family. I can truly love them and attend to them. I know now that the most important things are the relationships God has placed in my life. I could say a whole new world has opened up for me, one that I had never discovered before, and I like it. Not that everything's perfect, but it's better. It's good.

And at the end:

God may well be asking you, in this era of marital and family decline, to make this conscious, wholehearted commitment to him and to your family as part of a renewal of the world. May God be with you.

Holly Pierlot in A Mother's Rule of Life

Second Daughter's New Skills

Since Friday, Second Daughter has (for the first time):

Pulled herself up to standing.

Climbed over small plastic bins.

Eaten baby yogurt with a spoon (even getting some in her mouth).

Waved bye-bye.

Blown kisses.

It's a good time to be her mom and dad.

My Small Successes

I'm so pleased to participate in Small Successes over at Faith & Family Live today. I actually have some successes!

1. I finally exchanged First Son's jeans for new ones. (It only took a month.) I wisely invested in jeans from Sears this past winter based on his earlier performances. Of the past eight pairs of jeans he's owned, eight of them have ended up with a great big hole on the right knee. So yesterday, I used the Kidvantage exchange policy to get two pairs without holes. While there, we bought two pairs in the next size up (which were on sale), so we're even ahead of the game.

2. I bought tea yesterday! I love making myself a big pot of tea using loose leaf black teas, but ran out weeks (or months?) ago. I then used my bagged tea until all the non-herbal bag tea was gone, too. I just couldn't bring myself to attempt a tea run with the kids. Something about the three of them in a little shop full of teapots and tea cups and glass canisters of tea made me hesitate. Yesterday, my wonderful mother-in-law followed me to the tea store and waited in the car with the kids while I bought enough to last me for months (especially since in the heat of summer I love making sun tea with my mint plants). Oh, and believe me, after the night we had with Second Daughter last night, I seriously needed some caffeine this morning.

3. I managed to wash First Son's special green blanket (which was a Christmas present to me a couple of years ago, but I digress) and finish drying it just a few minutes after bedtime last night.

I know they don't compare to Elizabeth's lovely success, but they are my small ones for the week. Read more over at Faith & Family Live.

My Favorite Christmas Gifts

The kids and I have been having some Christmas fun. We've decorated the tree (Monday), baked Christmas cookies (today) and finished our family ornaments (except for gluing on the ribbons, which I'll do myself...maybe even tonight!). The Jesse Tree is languishing, but the Advent Wreath and two Advent calendars are getting some use, which is the most fun for the kids. Now I'm contemplating just doing the Jesse Tree readings by myself as I think it might be good Advent preparation for me.

Anyway, I will probably post some pictures of our toddler-decorated tree (pretty much all the ornaments are on one of five branches at the bottom) and the cookie decorating they did today (actually quite good, though how can you go wrong with M&Ms on sugar cookies with homemade icing?), but I'm feeling a little too lazy to swap chairs with Kansas Dad and turn on the other computer (where all the pictures live) so instead I'll write about something that's been on my mind...the best Christmas gifts ever.

Here are my top three Christmas gifts (in no particular order):

1. My keyboard. I haven't played it in years (though the kids like it), but of all my childhood gifts, it was my most cherished. I was in junior high. A keyboard was all I wanted and I was devastated on Christmas morning when there was no big rectangular box with my name on it. I've always thought of myself as an intelligent gal, but I was concentrating so hard on not crying I didn't even think to ask myself why I was opening gifts like a monster pack of size D batteries or some weird electrical plug. Yeah, you guessed it, the keyboard was in another room. I loved it. There's a good chance I'll never get rid of that keyboard, just for the memory of that Christmas. (It's good for my ego, too, to remember how I completely failed to realize what my parent's had done.)

2. My most beloved Christmas CD. For me, the Christmas season didn't really begin until Anne Murray's Christmas Wishes graced our stereo. At some point, I bought the CD for my parents to replace their tape (or was it a record?...oh my). Well, after I got married and had a home of my own, I tried to find the CD and found to my shock and dismay, Anne Murray had a new Christmas CD out and I couldn't buy the old one. The new one just wouldn't do; it wasn't Anne Murray I wanted, it was the Christmas music of my childhood. A couple of years ago, I received it as a gift from my parents. They'd wrapped up and given me their own copy, just because it meant so much to me. I still love it. I've been listening to it all day.

3. A waffle iron. Kansas Dad loves a hot breakfast. He bought this waffle iron for me because I like waffles more than pancakes, but that's not what puts it on this list (though it was thoughtful of him). No, what puts it on this list is that we ate waffles about once a week for at least a year after I opened this gift one Christmas...and I never ever made them myself. In fact, years and years later, I still have never used this waffle iron. This, gentlemen, is the only kind of kitchen appliance gift allowed for your wives (other than something expressly requested).

I've gotten plenty of good gifts in my day, but these are my three favorites. (Unless we count First Son, who was born exactly two weeks before Christmas five years ago.)

Baby's First Thanksgiving

Monday, Monday

Mondays are long days here on the Range. Kansas Dad has a 12 hour day with three classes, the last a four hour one into the night. Though his schedule also allows two full days at home, on Mondays, the kids and I are left on our own for snacks, lunch, dinner and bedtime. It's easy for me to think "I just need to get through the day." Getting through the day, though, isn't what I want my days to be like.

A coworker of mine once said, "I'm too old to be wishing for the weekend." She was talking about finding enjoyment in every day, even sitting in front of her computer with a stack of paperwork...again. She recognized that our days on earth are numbered. No matter how many they are, each one is a gift.

I'm too blessed to be wishing for the day to end (as frustrating as administering to those blessings may be during the day). I want to be enjoying my day. Sometimes there will be struggles. Certainly with young ones around it will be exhausting, but these days are the point. This time we have together, right now, is important, precious, fleeting. I want to learn to find the joys in today despite the pile of laundry, the wails of a baby, the toddler who has stripped even her diaper and is streaking across the living room (for the third time today)...You've probably been there, too, so you know that feeling.

My prayer for tonight and the morrow is that God will give me the strength and the patience to focus on the fun of Simon Says, of reading together, of singing The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything for the twelfth time, even if Kansas Dad can't be around the share the joy and the burden for a few extra hours once a week.

Protection for Our Hearts

** This review was originally posted on a now hidden blog on January 16, 2006 **

A RETURN TO MODESTY: Discovering the Lost Virtue

It's easier to propose this book as a married woman and as a devout Catholic than if I'd suggested it ten years ago (unlikely as that would be since it was published in 1999), but I hope you don't discount it for that reason. This book is an insightful look at society today and how its standards for sex education and sex itself damage the very souls of women and girls. Essentially, she says that men and women are different, biologically and psychologically, in the way we view sex and its meanings. Modesty, particularly in women, is the natural, innate female response to that difference, and our culture has been battling it (partly unsuccessfully) since the 1960s.

You can read some excellent reviews of the book by clicking on the link above or by going to Eighth Day Books (where Kansas Dad first learned of it).

Instead, I'll quote a few sentences from the book I found memorable.

Women had a special vulnerability in the past, we are told, only because there was a risk of pregnancy. Now that we have the Pill, all vulnerability is abolished. But we seem to be learning that there is more to sexual vulnerability that the risk of pregnancy. (page 91)

Modesty is a reflex, arising naturally to help a woman protect her hopes and guide their fulfillment--specifically, this hope for one man. (page 94)

At least when there is a risk of pregnancy, there is a physical corollary to the emotional risk--so you are careful. And because the women had to be careful, the men were careful too. Our bodies naturally protected our hearts....I'm talking about the young woman who hopes for marriage and is essentially waiting for "the right guy"; I think for her the Pill is seductive and, I would go as far as to say, dangerous, holding out the promise of sex without consequences, and without any "irregularities." (pages 207-208)

Now, I'm not sure I agree with all of her assertions. It seems to me that there are other causes to the struggles of young women (anorexia, cutting, rape, stalking, etc.) than just a lack of modesty. I do think, however, she makes a strong case for a better world for our daughters, and ourselves, with a return to modesty. There's also a good chance Kansas Dad and I will decide to pull our kids out of sex education when the time comes (even if they are in Catholic schools). [A book read long before the thought of homeschooling surfaced.]

And don't forget to read the appendix. Trust me; some real gems only appear there.

The Importance of Gratitude

** This is another repeat review, originally posted on May 7, 2007 on a previous blog. It's one Kansas Dad and I still talk about occasionally, so well worth your time. **

The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less

This book was another of Kansas Dad's finds. It's a fascinating look at why having more choices can actually make people more unhappy. It touched on everything from choosing a career to choosing a pair of jeans. (I've always had a problem myself with the toothpaste aisle. Why in the world do we need so many options?)

The first ten chapters presented a convincing set of studies and reports that having too many options does indeed make an individual unhappy, and has contributed to increasing levels of depression and stress in American society. I thought it was interesting to see how religion, faith and family values can help people deal with this particular kind of stress by limiting options to those that are morally acceptable (obviously more useful for those big life choices than the toothpaste aisle).

The best chapter, in my opinion, was the eleventh chapter. Here, Mr. Schwartz gives some concrete ways to decrease the disadvantages while still enjoying the benefits of all the choices we have today. The eleven steps he gives are all directly related to the evidence presented in the preceding chapters, but I will try to sum it up in one quick paragraph:

Take some time to consider what's important in life. Pay attention to those choices and don't worry about the others. Go with what's "good enough" more often than finding the absolute best. Once you've made a decision don't give yourself the option to go back and choose something else. Be thankful for what you have. Don't waste time and energy on regret. Be aware that whatever you choose, eventually it won't bring as much pleasure as it did at first. Keep expectations within reason. Don't concentrate so much on what others are doing or buying. Embrace limits and constraints that eliminate choices for us.

If you're interested in how these strategies can combat the depressing effect of too many choices, read the book. I think it's one choice you won't regret. (small groan)

One Year on the Range

Today, we're celebrating. Our Home on the Range has been online for one year! So we're taking a look back...

A few milestones:

• Kansas Dad finished his dissertation and then successfully defended his dissertation.
• First Son graduated from diapers and pull-ups.
• Kansas Dad had minor surgery and then, as soon as he was feeling better, dislocated his ankle (and was in a cast), just three weeks before my due date.
• Second Daughter was born.
• We bought a house.
• Kansas Dad started his first official tenure-track full faculty position.
• Kansas Mom switched from full-time to part-time.
• First Son started his reading lessons, making us an official "formal" homeschooling family.
• This blog has been visited more than 3900 times, which is more than my previous two blogs combined (from May 2004 through October 2007).

I think we managed to hit all the most stressful good milestones! We have indeed been stressed, but we have also been blessed. Our children are healthy, our land is fruitful (and it's ours!), our pantry is full and our hopes for the coming year are expansive.

Some things we learned:

• Christmas Eve is not always fun.
• How to build a square foot garden, dissasemble a washing machine, repair a computer, install a dishwasher and (coming soon) rebuild a water softener. (Kansas Dad did, at least.)
• I love Charlotte Mason's philosophy of education.
• Our favorite way to prepare pattypan squash (whole wheat chocolate cake; seriously, it's fantastic).
• You can trade books you don't want for books you do want, just for the cost of postage. (I've received 41 books so far!)
• It is difficult, but not impossible, to care for a preschooler, a toddler and a newborn while packing everything you own and then unpack it while caring for a preschooler, a toddler and an infant.
• Some people (we won't name names) do not take very good care of their houses.
• Some babies really are good sleepers. Some toddlers are not.
• Our new parish is delightful.
• The mice will always be with us.

Last, but not least, I leave you with my favorite post.

Mommy Days

Today was one of those days I dreamed about when I was working full-time. The kids and I drove into the city to meet another mom and her kids at the zoo. We visited together, snacked together and had a generally great time. (I meant to take pictures and even had the camera out once, but with five kids between the two of us I found my arms full of coats, snacks or kids whenever I thought about taking a picture.)

My friend Hilary will be pleased to know I carried First Daughter (all 28 pounds of her) in the carrier she made very successfully for the long walk back to the zoo exit. She loved it! (I stopped using it with her long ago after a foot injury and just never started up again so she doesn't remember it at all.) I couldn't believe how comfortable it was.

After the zoo, the kids and I visited Grammy's house for lunch, naps, quiet time, snacks and a video before a fun trip to a superstore with her. I even snagged a great deal on some photo albums on clearance. The kids snacked (again!) on crackers for the quiet drive home and Kansas Dad got the older two to bed in record time without any major hassles. He even had time to start the grand dishwasher installation tonight before we got home, which has me understandably thrilled. (He finished installing the ceiling fan in the living room last night. Busy guy, that Kansas Dad.)

Now, a few dishes and then perhaps a peek at that DVD we got from Netflix today.

Birthday Party

Someone has recently decided she doesn't like to have her picture taken.

She still can't stop being cute.

All Sweetness and Innocence

Second Daughter's Birthday!

Third baby arrived surprisingly quickly in the wee hours of the morning. Here are the details:

A girl!
12:07 am
8 pounds, 10 ounces (my smallest yet)
19 inches

I'll post later with more pictures and details, but wanted you all to know the news. I'm sure I'll be slow on the blog for a while as we all catch our breath a bit.